I saw a picture of you holding him and my heart stopped.
My mind instantly took me back to that day, and I wish I realized then how beautiful and heartbreaking that moment was.
It was day two at the hospital after you gave birth and he had been with me the whole time. You were coming to hold him for the first and the last time.
I.Was.Terrified.
I'll never forget squeezing my husband's hand as we counted the minutes.
Time
Dragged
Slowly
All I kept picturing was you running away with him leaving me empty and devastated.
But you didn't, and it wasn't until being pregnant and giving birth to my second son that I realized how selfish I was during our journey.
So I am here to say, I am so sorry.
I am sorry for the countless times I asked you if you were sure. I was just so petrified you would change your mind and couldn't bear losing him.
But you were losing him and it wasn't fair of me to constantly get reassurance from you.
I am sorry for not encouraging you to have more time to say goodbye.
Once you were done holding him, I should have asked if you wanted to hold him longer, but I physically couldn't hand him back.
That was selfish of me. You carried him for 9 months and selflessly chose me to be his mom. The least I could have done was given you more time.
I also need to thank you.
Thank you for choosing me.
You could have chosen any other deserving person, but you chose me to be his mom. This will never be lost on me.
Thank you for your constant confidence in your decision and in me.
The only thing getting me through our journey was you and your reassurance.
Most importantly, thank you for all of the moments you granted me.
I felt him through your stomach, I went to every appointment, I got to have him skin to skin as his first encounter in our world.
All of that was because of you.
So to the woman who lovingly grew and birthed my son, we are forever connected by this beautiful boy and I will think about you every day for the rest of my life.
I often say he made me a mama, but deep down I know it was you.
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